Family, on it's brief meaning

One, two, three, four? How many semester exactly I didn’t write something free-spirit like this? I already forget when the writing happened as well. Okay, then, let’s just begin the writing. What is it about actually that already success on bring me back to writing something like this?

A main theme that I want to bring here is ‘family’. First, let’s make up the definition briefly. In Oxford Dictionary, the fourth Edition (Oxford, 2008), family means the people descended from the same ancestor, usually consist of parents and children. This is the exact definition in this writing. I need to make limitations of definition so no one will get the wrong idea about what we’re discussing. Nowadays, people easily use the word ‘family’ for referring to their own group that somehow has emotional bond such as working circles, colleagues, classmates, gangs, etc. So, I need to throw this ‘another’ definition of family away, so we can understand the topic of the discussion well.

Okay, then, what happen with this ‘family’ word? Is there any problem so far?

I write this because of two reasons. First, it is the phenomena that widely happen around me since I was on my high school era until now. The phenomena softly showing me that people from their teenagers to the next level of age had their activities mostly outside the house (this is my own opinion so I don’t write a citation, no matter if you’re not thinking so). Then, they’re begun to be apart from their family and become closer to their companion and friends of outside the house. As time passing by, their priority also changes. They prefer to go out for dinner with their friends to be with their family at home, they prefer to come to their friend’s birthday party instead of attending their family relative’s wedding, they prefer to work hard outside at the institution until late to just go home and see their families’ face. At the end, they take a good photoshoot with their friends, upload it to their social media, and give a caption saying that they’re his/her family. It happened, right?

Well, and then someday, they’re get to the lowest point of their life, they have to face some failures, or maybe some unjust, or some betrayal from their friends and colleagues. At the time like that, the only place they can go is family. Right inside the comfortable and warm house that they’re always left behind. Family is the only one that doesn’t care about your failure, they’re the one that will always smile at you no matter how poor, how mess, and how ugly you’re. just don’t ask why, the family is the place where you’re born with nothing, it won’t be upset when you have so little of something or even nothing, they’re not expecting you to have so much in life, just expecting you to be fine.

The second reason is a Korean Drama called “Moon Lovers, Scarlet Heart: Ryeo” that has just broadcasted its last episode. The main idea that I got from this drama is about hearts and feelings of family members towards another. Sometimes I really in to the heart of them, understand why they’re doing such things, can relate to their feelings, but sometimes I just can’t understand moreover accept the way they act. It is so touching at some scenes for me.

Well, what the drama is about?

It is about a royal family consist of a king, some queens, princes and princesses. Palace is their home. There’re family, rules, rivalry, passion, love, hate, and the throne in it as well. Well, in this drama you can see some scenes that I don’t get it just like a mom that throw away her own child to be adapted to another family on purpose and with no regret even just once (it’s the most horrible thing in the story), or about a brother that kill his own sibling just for the throne. Then, there’re also some scene that I can relate to the feelings and fall in to it deeply just like a big willing of a son to be noticed by his mom, a big satisfy when got his dad’s trust and compliments, a thankful feeling for a brother who placed his life to save his brother’s, a jealousy of a big brother towards his younger sibling over the love from their parents, a secret fatherly affection of a father king towards his son, the intentions of a mom who’s always protecting their children, and such things that really get me in deeply.

So, here are some points that I want to bring via this writing.

1.       A family, giving love unconditionally

2.       Other than family can bring you down, betray you, or even leaving you, but family will always there to be your place to seek for protection

3.       Every family has their own way to express the affection and love towards the members

4.       You can go to work, make some magnificent output, or save the day, but don’t forget to value your family more than anything because they will value you when you have nothing.

5.       There might still be abnormal behavior on family just like a mom that doesn’t love their children etc, but well it’s so heartbreaking, don’t get involved.

Okay, that’s all. Don’t forget to reply your mom’s message first before your friends’, you have to quickly come home if your parents call you no matter how busy you are, and don’t forget to mention your family first on your daily prayer. Have a happy family all ^^

 

“KARAKTER” Part 1

Kelopak mataku terbuka tiba-tiba, kesadaranku dibangkitkan paksa oleh satu suara ringkikan kuda ditengah malam yang membara. Api menjalar cepat ke rumah-rumah kayu beratap jerami, membakar satu gapura hingga berikutnya, malam yang tak pernah kutemui namun terekam hebat dalam kepalaku. Malam dimana pemberontak menerobos masuk keraton arya dwipa, malam dimana pangeran wisnu dan puteri wangi diloloskan oleh raja untuk bersembunyi menyelamatkan diri.

                Hempasan pedang membawaku ke arena lainnya. Kini aku berada di sebuah semak-semak di salah satu pinggiran kota Surabaya, tahun 2011. Lima langkah  didepanku ada sebuah raket tergeletak begitu saja, dan lima langkah berikutnya ada seorang pemuda berlutut menangis mengerang mengutuk hujan. Aku sama sekali belum pernah bertemu dengannya, pun menginjakkan kaki di tempat ini. Tapi aku bisa menjelaskan padamu detail apapun yang terjadi dengan sangat tepat. Aliansyah, nama pemuda itu sedang menangis sehabis bertanding bulutangkis dengan Dr. Diman yang menceritakan satu kenyataan pahit padanya.

                Aku menengadahkan wajahku ke atas, menatap hujan, menyambut jatuhnya. Ketika aku menurunkan pandanganku, scene sudah berganti kembali. Kini aku ada berada di salah satu sudut taman di kota London. Di depanku adalah seorang gadis dan seorang lelaki yang sedang mengobati luka di dagu gadis itu. Seumur hidup aku belum pernah ke London, apalagi berkenalan dengan dua orang di depanku itu. Tapi aku tahu benar bahwa si gadis bernama Kim, dan lelaki di depannya adalah dokter ahli bedah kosmetik bernama Eddy, aku bahkan bisa menceritakanmu lebih detail bagaimana Kim mendapatkan luka di dagunya dan apa yang akan terjadi setelah adegan ini. Aku tahu betul.

                “Kring……Kring……”

                Suara alarm menarikku kembali ke dunia realita. Menyisakan potongan-potongan gambar mimpi yang berputar seperti film medley. Teori mengatakan bahwa saat terbangun, manusia hanya bisa mengingat paling banyak sekitar 20% dari total mimpinya. Kudakwa sendiri bahwa masih banyak scene yang kualami dibanding apa yang kuingat. Tetapi 20% nya saja sudah mampu menggerakkan jemariku untuk segera menelusuri file di laptopku. Perlu sekitar tiga menit bagiku untuk akhirnya menemukan folder yang kucari. Folder bernama ‘cerpenku’ tersembunyi dalam dengan alamat direktori yang panjang. Empat tahun lalu seakan jariku dapat dengan cepat menemukannya, tapi tidak sekarang. Folder ‘materi kuliah’, ‘referensi paper’ dan ‘jurnal skripsi’ lah yang seringkali kutuju secara default.  

                Aku kehilangan citarasa sastra.

                “Line!”

Suara handphone mengganggu kesyahduanku mengutak atik folder usang ini.

Dari Zia

“File IDSC udah gue kirim ke email lu ya, cek dulu coba”

“Iya nanti ya, sinyal lagi bapuk.”

“Yoo”

“Eh, Zi”

“Naon?”

“Gue baru mimpi.”

“Mimpi naon? Ketemu dosbing skripsi?”

“Bukan, lebih serem.”

“Naon dah”

“I feel like, I was getting in my stories that I have made myself.”

“Huh?”

“Cerpen-cerpen yang pernah gue tulis, karakter-karakter yang pernah gue bikin. I was just seen them all.”

“Ren?”

“Hm?”

“Lu pernah nulis cerpen?”

Ah, aku lupa bahwa Zia mengenalku disaat aku sudah tak familiar dengan penulisan sastra.

“lupa gue lu kan ga tau gue pas SMA yah aha.”

“gila”

“naon?”

“gue pikir lu tuh orang paling realistis yang segala omongannya berdasarkan data. Ga nyangka gue kalo lu pernah nulis cerpen juga.”

“yeah it was just years ago…”

Begitulah.

Sastra, fantasi, kreasi adegan dan permainan kata hanyalah mainanku ketika remaja. Pelarianku semasa SMP dan SMA dari buntunya mengerjakan soal-soal fisika Archimedes, atau matematika persamaan lingkaran, atau saat aku gagal menghafal table periodic.

Memasuki dunia kuliah benar-benar mengubahku menjadi sosok yang lain dengan pola pikir, cara pandang dan cara bertahan hidup yang sama sekali berbeda dari diriku sepenuhnya. Aku tak akan bisa bertahan jika aku terus berlari dan menciptakan dunia-dunia baru yang bisa kukendalikan melalui software pengolah kata dalam laptopku. aku harus bertahan dengan tetap tinggal di kenyataan. Aku harus bertahan dengan meluruskan jalan hidupku, bukan mengutak atik nasib karakter yang kuciptakan sendiri.

                Dan kemudian aku jatuh begitu dalam. Masuk ke kolam fakta yang menuhankan empirisme. Aku mulai menulis karya-karya ilmiah, proposal usulan business plan, paper, penelitian kecil dan essay. Aku tak bisa berkata tanpa data, aku tak bisa menulis sesuatu yang tidak terbukti secara logika, aku tak bisa percaya pada omong kosong fantasi, tipuan ilusi, apalagi kembali menciptakannya. Aku telah jauh dari bermain-main kata dan merangkai sastra, aku sudah jauh dari memfantasikan adegan khayal, negeri antah berantah dan karakter unik.

“lupain lah, mungkin gue cuma kangen sama karakter-karakter gue itu.” Balasku kemudian.

“atau mereka yang kangen sama elu.”

Aku merenung, tanpa membalas.

##

“Dahayu, Faktor makro, harga minyak dan Corruption Perception Index Negara Asia, kamu bisa lanjutkan itu.” Kata Pak Har pada Hayu.

“Alma, cari lagi jurnal tentang volatilitas harga saham sektor property.” Lanjut beliau.

“Hafidz, hmmm … kamu cenderung ke perdagangan internasional komoditas pertanian, tapi itu bukan bidang keahlian saya, coba baca lagi tentang topic moneter yang nyerempet-nyerempet ya.” Masih kata beliau.

“Cukup sekian dulu bimbingan hari ini, yang lain boleh keluar, Renata tunggu disini dulu. Sesi kamu belum selesai.”

“Baik Pak.”

Ketiga teman seperjuangan meninggalkan ruangan dengan tatapan mata memandangku kasihan. Hayu membisikkan kata-kata semangat ketika melewati pundakku.

Aku menghela nafas.

Bersiap mendengarkan apapun caci, maki, kekesalan dan hal sejenisnya dari pak Har.

“Apa yang akan kamu lakukan sekarang, Renata?”

Aku mengangkat wajah menghadap pak har penuh selidik.

“Kamu paling banyak membaca jurnal dibanding kawan-kawanmu, kamu paling banyak meresume dan bahkan dapat menceritakannya secara mendetail. Tapi, semua orang pun tahu kamu tak punya fokus. Teman-temanmu tahunya kamu masuk konsentrasi moneter, tapi saat kamu mengikuti conference tentang microfinance kamu juga berorasi dengan meyakinkan. Bahkan kamu tak menunjukkan focus ke salah satu saja topic dalam konsentrasi moneter. Pasar modal kamu baca semua, kebijakan moneter kamu jelaskan dengan baik, apa lagi?”

Aku diam. Beliau sedang membacaku. Aku tak tahu apakah harus merasa dipuji atau dicaci.

“apa bahkan sekarang kamu masih ingat model modifikasi M-GARCH pada jurnal yang kamu baca minggu lalu?”

“Tidak, pak.”

“Itu dia masalahnya. Kamu melibas semuanya dan tak memilih salah satu untuk didalami. Di satu waktu kamu jago semuanya, tapi sedetik kemudian kamu juga lupa semuanya. Apa gunanya?”

Aku semakin dalam masuk pada keterdiaman.

Ternyata aku sedang dicaci.

“apa masalahmu, nak?”

Aku menggigit bibir, berusaha mencari diksi yang tepat untuk mengekspresikan diri. Jarang-jarang ada yang mempertanyakan masalahku.

Ternyata aku dibantu juga.

“Saya… merasa semua materi itu menarik pak. Apapun yang saya baca membuat saya ingin menelitinya lebih lanjut. Saya tidak bisa hanya berhenti dan mendalami satu hal saja. Saya akan cepat bosan.”

“Hm… begitu rupanya.”

“Iya Pak.”

“Baiklah begini saja, tentang masalah ini siapapun tidak bisa membantumu lebih banyak, termasuk saya sebagai dosen pembimbing. Bagaimanapun skripsimu harus selesai. Dan kamu harus bekerja lebih keras untuk sekedar menemukan topic. Baca banyak jurnal tentang corruption perception index atau volatilitas return beberapa jenis efek. Batasi di negara GCC (Gulf Corporate Cooperation) atau OIC (Organization of Islamic Cooperation). Kamu sedikit lebih handal tentang hal-hal itu. Ingat. Jangan tergoda untuk membaca topic lain dulu, selesaikan dulu skripsimu. Kita bertemu lagi minggu depan.”

“Baik Pak, terimakasih.”

##

                “God always give me the heaviest burden and the most difficult part.” Kuketikkan pada kolom chat pada Zia.

                “Naon deui, neng?”

                “disaat temen-temen sebimbingan gue udah pada dapet topik, gue masih harus baca puluhan jurnal untuk sekedar nyari tahu minat bakat gue dimana L sedih luteeeh”

                “yaudah yok nyari jurnal, sini gue temenin.”

                “Yo, besok ya jam 8 di perpus lantai 4.”

                “OK. See ya.”

                Hufft

                Aku menghela nafas melepas penat. Bukan medan yang sulit yang kukeluhkan sesungguhnya. Tetapi ekspektasi semua orang yang beranggapan bahwa aku akan melewati tahap skripsi ini dengan sangat mulus tanpa ada kesulitan berarti. Kata-kata seperti “Ah, Ren mah pasti bisa, jago dia.” Atau “Gimana Ren? Udah revisi berapa kali? Pasti lu mah udah jauh ya.” Dan kalimat-kalimat semacamnyalah yang membebaniku tanpa henti.

                “Line!”

                Ada chat masuk. Mungkin Ibunda yang menanyakan kabar kesehatanku.

                “You have invited to join this group.”

                Grup apa?

                Seingatku aku tak bergabung dengan komunitas, organisasi atau geng apapun semester ini. Sepenuhnya focus pada skripsi. Grup baru apalagi ini huh?

                “KARAKTER”

                Begitulah nama grupnya.

                Karena penasaran, aku klik button ‘join’.

                And here I am.

                “Apa-apaan ini?” aku berteriak spontan tanpa mengenal waktu dan tempat. Beberapa pasang mata memandangku dengan tatapan menghakimi.

                Zakky, Aliansyah, Raden, Bonita, Dokter Soedirman, Pangeran Wisnu Adhinata, Puteri Wangi Cendana dan bahkan Talam!

                Mereka adalah nama-nama karakter yang kuciptakan dalam beberapa cerita pendek. Grup apa ini sebenarnya?

                “Good afternoon, Author. Selamat datang ke grup ini. Tak ingin melanjutkan sekuel setelah membunuhku?” Akun dengan nama Puteri Wangi Cendana mengirimkan chat nya ke grup.

                “Hai, Author. Masih ingat aku? Yang katamu gila tapi dokter bedah. Yang membuatmu mendapat gelar ‘penokohan tidak dominan’ dan maaf, harus duduk di peringkat 2 pada lomba cerpen lalu.” chat berikutnya dari akun Dokter Soedirman.

                Cerita yang sangat tepat. Judul ceritanya adalah ‘Satu Organ’. Ada aliansyah juga, cerpen ini yang membuatku mendapat juara 2 di lomba cerpen universitas lokal dahulu kala.

                “Aku baru diciptain, pasti masih ingat kan?” yang ini dari Kim. Karakter paling baru yang kuciptakan.

                Aku mengernyitkan dahi. Mencoba mengorek ingatan dan mencari tahu siapa yang kira-kira cukup iseng untuk membuat grup aneh ini dan menerorku dengan hal ini.

                Kawan SMA ku?

                Siapa kawan SMA ku yang suka membaca ceritaku?

                Mira? Angga? Nova? Dea?

                Ya mungkin salah satu dari mereka. Pasti mereka yang dengan isengnya membaca ulang blog ku dan mereka-reka adanya grup ini dan entah bagaimana cara mereka menciptakan akun-akun palsu itu.

                Baik, akan kuhubungi mereka satu satu. Awas. Akan kutemukan.

                Tetapi,

                Baru saja aku hendak menghubungi Mira, satu chat lagi masuk ke grup aneh itu.

                “hei, Author. Kemana saja anda hah? Anda bahkan belum menyelesaikan cerita tentang aku dan Beta.”

                Namanya adalah Alfa.

                Dan tidak mungkin itu alfa.

                Alfa dan Beta.

                Adalah karakter yang ceritanya belum kuberi judul. Cerita yang kuciptakan sesaat setelah mengerjakan ujian nasional fisika.

                Cerita yang tak pernah kuunggah di blog.

                Cerita yang tak pernah kucetak.

                Cerita yang bahkan tak pernah kuperbincangkan dengan siapapun di dunia ini.

                Aku yakin tak seorang pun tahu tentang keberadaan karakter Alfa dan Beta.

                Tidak Mira, Angga, Nova apalagi Dea.

                Aku mulai menyadari kemungkinan lain yang membentur akal sehatku. Ada yang salah dengan handphone ku?

                Tidak.

                Gadget ini sepenuhnya berjalan normal.

                Ada yang salah dengan sistem kerja software ku?

                Tidak.

                Tak ada hal aneh lain yang terjadi.

                Dan saat setiap kemungkinan masuk akal itu tereleminasi, aku mulai merasakan hawa dingin melintas di jari-jariku. Menjalar ke lengan hingga sampai ke leher belakang dan membuatku mengangkat kedua bahu.

                Gletak!

                Tanganku menjatuhkan gadget itu.

                “Are they all really my characters that I have made? What are they doing here?”

To be continued…

               

Befriend with AEC

January, 1st 2016

This essays is simply a personal opinion, it describe what's in my own mind without represent points of view of the institution, organization, or community that I joined.

So guys,
Can you tell what I want to write here?
For a clue,
well, it linked to the date I wrote above, right today, first day of 2016
But no, I'm not interested in writing about new year with it's party, ceremonial, resolutions etc
So, what is it?

It's about AEC or ASEAN Economic Community. 

Okay then, what is AEC?
It's simply designed as a large community of economic sector where free trade among ASEAN countries happened, free mobilisation of human capital all around ASEAN, and everything about free access to one another country.
So, why?
Well, most of people talking about trading competition, competitive advantage of national product, national human capital quality, defense strategy and so on as if we're on our way to the world war.
Eventhough those things just end up being discussion topics and less real action. (Right?)
But, maybe I want to turned someone head around, here.
In our discussion, or maybe there'll already some action in smaller number, why are we ALWAYS talk about compete with other member of ASEAN?
as if they're all our rival and we absolutely need to take them down in order to survive or become the king of this region.
Well, competition might be exist but we shouldn't always be so alarmed and see this as a big dangerous challenge, a huge deathly alien that somehow can kill us. No!
This is a community.
Some people meets and form a forum with the same goal.
Why don't we simply become friends? Why don't we act friendly and offer unlimited partnership towards good deeds for every members?
Why don't we brightly smiling facing AEC as a good new friend?

Why don't we?

We will automatically survive if we set a positive mind. Everything will be alright because we're all friends, we have no intentions to hurt one another. We go on to unite these countries and form a good unity to one goal: ASEAN empowerment.

So, this is me facing AEC with enthusiastic smile, prepare my english to welcome my new friend from all around ASEAN. Then also prepare myself for rising my mobility to meet my friends on their countries and ask everyone there to befriend with me.
There will be no war between friends, there will be no sorrow, we are together, hand in hand, side by side towards a better ASEAN.

You don't need to be worry so much, just relax, then smile

My advice is: set your 2016 to be full of beneficial activity just like student dedication for citizens, self capacity building and so on. You don't need to pay so much attention at those parties just like last night. Well, what did you got from new year party truthfully? Haha kidding.

well, that's all, welcome AEC, lets find many more new friend from all around ASEAN and enjoy a sweet friendship^^

Annoyed

On my first year when I'm on the dorm, there's something like this:
I woke up in a morning, found out something moving near my foot and when I pull the blanket up, there it is! A startling cat that suddenly awake and run out off my room.

Some seconds I tried to asking how. How did it come in my room while it is always locked at the night? I think of it for a while and it end up by assumed that somehow at midnight my roommate need to go out, open the door and the cat got in the room before she close it. The End.
That's not a big deal for me anyway.

But it begin to annoy me when it happened for the second time, exactly same scene but it happenned on my nap on sunday noon. Anyhow, I let this one go too.

And, what's next?
It's this creature!!

I don't even know who owns this cat that really loves to sneak in my room, lying on my bed comfortly without making a single sound. I should be really annoyed but, what?
I didn't even do anything. I just let it sleep there. Once? Twice? Three times? It was already happened for many times.
Until one day the owner come to look for it and strangely talk to it. Yes! SHE TALKED TO IT!!
"Hey... kamu ngapain disini? Kamu berpindah ke lain hati ya?"
I was just widen my eyes hearing that sentence.
How come this cat have a same insanity with it's owner? I mean, do you think talking to a pet is somehow normal? I don't think that way.

But there it is, still laying there without even touched by me. Just a single shot by this camera.

Do this cat even know that I'm that lonely and need something alive being in the same room with me?
Yes, probably.
Then I can confess to everyone that I got another insanity by thinking that way. Haha.

Ran

"Don't we wanna talk about Joo?" Ran asked me in the middle of Basic Agronomy class.

"Nope. Do you?" I answered without turning my head from my notes.

"Neither do I" and she just smiled.

"Right, just let it go, we're not the one making fuss, and it's not a big deal." I looked at her.

"Yeah, you're right. Well, you're seems pretty fine, have you got any medicine from somewhere?"

"I even got a doctor." Referred to Dr. Eddy

"huh?"

"Forget it, there's nothing to do with it. Being so gloomy about something or just let it go away is purely our decision. Noone can forced it upon us. Don't forget."

"I have just known what that sentences really mean because I was just made a big decision."

I'm pretty startled and I was just put the pencil then completely looked at Ran's face. I'm so curious about what kind of decision she made. She's not the girl giving a lot concern to make a big decision in her own life. So, it's pretty interesting to me.

"I was just told him that I won't make any single interactions with him, anymore. Starting of today."

"What?? That futsal boy? From Glory University?"

"Can it be someone else?"

"Nope. So, why? I'm wondering."

"Well it's just ... this kind of girl, a flirting one, with that guy, is completely not my style. I'm sick of being someone else."

"Wow, I can say nothing but 'I think 100% so' to you. You already know yourself now."

"Yes, but you have contribution on my decision too."

"What? Me? How come?"

"Your stories about you're being punished by God."

"Aaahh.. well, I told you it's just me and probably it's nothing to do with someone else."

"But I believe that."

"Haha yeah. Where will you go after this class?"

"Basketball yard, and I won't go without you. Let's make another three point against those freshmen."

"Allright I'll surely join!"

"Kim, Ran, can you tell me how's oryza sativa's regeneration system?"
Our lecture suddenly asking something nonsense to us.

LACRIMAL FLUID [JOO PART II]

19.14 a.m.

I was just finished my college activity and running straight to the parking lot at the very back of the complex. No, I didn’t be there for picking up my vehicle, I haven’t one of them. I was there to meet Dr. Eddy as we’ve been promised two weeks ago. A treat on a cup of choco ice cream.

“Have you been well, Kim?”

“Hm? Ah… this wound? Don’t worry doctor, it’s completely vanished, I mean the scars. Thanks to you.” I answered then smiled.

“No, I’m not pointing at those scars, I’m a great doctor, Kim. I can assure you that it will be okay and your beautiful face will be back again.”

“Ah, then?”

“I’m asking you about Joo, of course. A friend you mentioned before. Have you met her?”

“Ah… Joo… well, yes, last Friday we met at the place that we’re heading to, right now.” I smiled.

Dr. Eddy gives me a little laugh.

“Is that your favorite place?”

“Yes, it was. But now, that’s just the only place I know so I don’t have another options but bring you there for fulfill my promise.”

“It was?”

“Yes, it ‘was’. Before the day I met her, of course.”

“What? Did something happened when you meet her there?”

“Nope. Nothing happened, but something revealed.”

“Seems like something big so it’s enough to make you think that your favorite place is no longer your favorite anymore.”

“Yes, just like that, doc. Assume it like that.”

“Okay, you can assume that I understand that. So, is there something that needs to be told? A girl’s sound of heart or something like that?  You can tell me anything, I’ll generously listen.”

“Haha, why should I?”

“On my mental analysis, you need to do that. I mean, telling someone what’s on your mind that keep bothering you.”

“Ok, then, why it should be you?”

“Cause I’m a doctor.”

“That doesn’t give me an answer, so what will happen if you’re a doctor?”

“At least I can give you some treatment when you’re suddenly got a heart attack while you’re emotionally telling a story.”

“What? Nonsense, doc, I’m sorry but I’m not on your joke.”

“Haha, ok, I won’t be joking now. Think about this. You need to tell me what’s bothering you because I’m no one.”

“Hm?”

“I’m no one on your life, nor Joo. I don’t even know who is Joo. And you’re just one of my patients, all I know about you is just name, college, age, and some medical records. So, anything you told me won’t take any effect on your life, nor Joo’s. That will just help you overcome your bothering mind.”

“You’re right, doc.”

Then, a deep silence comes through us. We were just kept walking for about five minutes. Walking through the edge of an evening road. Cars, buses, some motorcycles sounds so clear when we’re fall in to a deep silence. Even our steps heard like a ticking watch on our hands. Lamps were a beautiful object our eyes can catch. 

 “So, what’s going on?” doctor Eddy asking first. 

Break the silence.

“We talked, about so many things, each other things. something we don’t know of each other because of those freaking distance.” I answered.

“That’s good, right?”

“Not really.”

“Why?”

“Because, she wasn’t telling me all the truth. Most of them were lies.”

“How did you know that?”

“I accidentally found out about it, I don’t feel like I need to tell you about this because I still keep everyone privation save.”

“Okay, I can understand that. But it seems like a big problem to you.”

“Big problem? No, there’re no problem to be solved. All that left behind was a big pain, even bigger than any pain I have familiar to.”

My tears begin to fall as I try to speak. Dr. Eddy seems startled. He tried to calm me.

“Hey, Kim! Don’t cry, not here please, it will left a bad impression to everyone around, they’ll think I make you cry!” he said with low sound while his hand pat on my arm, three times.

I tried to stop but I just can’t.

“I’m sure you won’t understand why I cried.” I said it still holding my tears back, but it come out again.

“Yes, I don’t, I don’t understand.”

“You won’t understand just by knowing the story I already told you because that’s not the main thing, I cannot tell you what it is about. I really can’t tell but I really want to tell someone that I’m in pain. I’m in a lot pain, doc.”

“Okay, then you can cry. Cry as much as you want, show me how deep you’ve fallen into the pain.”

Then I cry harder than before.

For about seven minutes, there was just silence. Once more.

“is it okay, doc?”

“what?”

“crying this hard?”

“hm… that was lacrimal fluid.”

“Hm?”

“those tears, we called it lacrimal fluid. A watery physiologic saline, with a plasmalike consistency, but also contains the bacteriocidal enzyme lysozyme, it moistens the conjunctiva and cornea, providing nutrients and dissolved O2 to the cornea.”

“Hm?”

“Ah, what major do you take at college now, Kim?”

“Landscape Architecture, doc…”

“Ah, okay then I’m not thinking of lecturing you about lacrimal fluid, that won’t be any help for both your major or your pain. I was just say that it’s okay to cry…”

“thanks, doc.”

“You’re welcome, but. Can you tell me, Kim?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s the point of your pain?”

“It’s the fact that I don’t know Joo anymore. she behave like someone I never know before. Joo who’s always be the one I know so well was completely gone somewhere else. Dareun saram, geu yeoja ya.” 

Then, those sentence just giving me more tears to cry.

It is now freely flowing on my cheeks. Those lacrimal fluid.

###

....just end it here, or to be continued? 

Well, let's see

When I wrote about those tears, I'm also crying in reality.