Kamis, 30 Oktober 2014

[141030]



The word “Writing” is appearing on my face every single day I met people. I’ve known to have such different skill in writing. And then they keep on sending me pamphlets, brochure and other kinds of publication about writing competition or call for papers. I really want to do as they want. I learned, I failed, I tried once more, and I’m upgrading myself. But then I figure out that I can only be a pro when it comes to writing what’s in my own head. I’m good at describing me. But I face some difficulties when it comes to describe any other living-or-not-living things around. It gave me some distraction at my practicing process.
And so when I tried to make a decision –situation I hate the most- I often distracted by my own distracting minds. I thought that I’ve listen too much sentences saying “be yourself”, “follow your mind”, “follow your passion” and so on. So it seems like I follow my own uncertain mind mostly. I knew it after these all happening. I figure out that this childish mind is not always true. Sometimes it shouldn’t be followed without a long consideration. I can tell how this distracting mind keeping on giving me hard times.
Sometimes I need time when I stop thinking that anybody else thinking about me. Once, I wrote on my socmed bio: “Tak punya kepentingan untuk mengesankan siapapun”. But it stabbed me right on my back. I can’t easily falling asleep in the night when I think that someone thinking bad about me. I always have a will to impress anyone else around me. I can’t left them forget my name and my face without knowing how I give them such a good impression. I’m really that kind of person. Is it a bad thing? If it yes, can I be forgiven for having this as my personality?
Just, I beg anyone to not judge me badly because of having them. Cause I’m actually suffering from handling it all.

Selasa, 30 September 2014

latepost 1



                I tried hard to not let anyone expecting too much on me. Yeah, it’s been a huge burden when everyone knew the fact of my balance portion of academic, organization, self-care and social relationship. I’m sure they’ll expect too much on me. But as they knew how I am actually, they’ll be disappointed soon. Cause I’m just me. Just like this. Poorly struggling. And probably don’t really match their expectation.
                In fact, I was rejected in some place I tried to join. I hardly understand what the lecturers said in front of class. I was struggling doing those tasks and homework. I always forget to take care about myself when I’m too busy with these stuffs. I’m not as perfect as everyone expected. I have so many flaws here and there.
                In the last one year, it seems like I do so many things. But now I realize that I don’t really wanna do so many things. I just wanna do one thing that I do right and well.

Your burden will not getting lighter as your arms getting stronger.

                Living together with someone I don’t understand is such an annoying thing. Yeah, I used to be so well-minded if it comes to understanding people. But I surely have a different life-overview with this creature. I didn’t expect it in the beginning. I thought this creature is a usual living thing that I can handle. But I was wrong, completely. It makes everything become harder as I can’t tell my true feelings.
                I listen to exo’s song, Run. It reminds me of my dormitory family. They’re so great. I miss being with them in every kind of storm and sunshine.
               

Senin, 04 Agustus 2014

[140805] About Joo, and then what I've just find out

I can't continue to write the story below. it's not because I didn't find a perfect scene to end it, but I just don't have any feelings towards the next scene I've already made. why? because it's not really like that in the real life. Well, how's anything come up like this is still a mystery that nobody want to breaks, neither Joo nor me. But don't worry, up until now I have a very good friendship with Joo beside of my personal heart conflict. we're totally fine. right, Joo? :) miss you


just tonight, I find out what makes me somehow become, ah forget it for now, I'll post it later, I think it'll breaks my good mood this morning

[140805] Titled: Joo



“Joo, don’t you miss me?”
I said it on my head then typed it on my phone. But at the next second I was just deleted it without send this message to Joo.
It’s been a week since she moved out from our lovely apartment that we used to share. She has to move to another campus building at the neighbor town because of her decision of taking additional subject. I can’t say anything to stop her because the reason is realistically academic. I have to let her go out off our apartment without complaining. It’s not easy for me, but I understand and I did it well.
I’m not alone in this apartment actually. There’re still two other friends. But I was just too close and too often being together with Joo so that I feel really empty when she left.
I’m now walking slowly on the walking path. It’s already 8 p.m and the weather is getting cold. But I’m too lazy to be back home. I was just sure that there will be no Joo screaming, laughing and playing anymore when I open the apartment door. So much things that I want to tell to Joo, so much thing I want to do with her, so much topic that we have to discuss together. In the next second I realize that they’re all will just disappear and untold.
I feel really lonely.
“Kim?”
Someone call my name. I turn around and my eyes catch the handsome face of Dr. Eddy, a specialist doctor in the clinic of surgery. I bet he’s just walking home from his work in the nearby hospital. His dark blue shirt looked contrast with his bright skin. Even after the long day work and filled by tiredness, he’s still looked handsome.
“Doctor?” I said.
“So, you were here all the time?” he speaks with a perfect educational people accent.
“Ah, no I was just here few times ago. What are you doing here, doc? Have you done with your patients?”
“Yes, oh. Actually not yet. There’s a wounded girl that have to come to my place and examined by me. But it seems like she’s not really care about the after-surgery-wound in her chin. At the end, she didn’t come to fulfill her appointment. But exactly right now, I am talking to that wounded girl in this walking path. So, why didn’t you come?” he smiled at the end of the sentence.
“Ah, that… mmm… sorry doc, I forgot the appointment. Did you wait for me? I’m really sorry. I will come tomorrow I promise.”
“I won’t be in this town tomorrow so just done it here, right now.”
“Ah… can it be?”
“Of course. Why not? Don’t worry I’ll make it sure that all of the treatment is septic-free. It’s hygiene. Don’t you believe me?”
“Well, you looked young. Anyone won’t be easy to trust you as a specialist doctor.”
“So, how old are you Kim?”
“twenty doc, I’m in my third year in the university. Old enough”
“Not really. I’m twelve years older than you. I’ve been practically diagnose and examine hundreds people and what’s good? No one get hurts. Trust me?”
“Oh, yeah, I trust you. Just, you don’t look like that old. I’m sorry.”
“I understand. Yeah, just sit down at the bench over there!” he instructs me.
When I sat down at the mentioned bench, Dr. Eddy began to open his bag and pulled out some medical tools I don’t familiar to. Fast, he began the treatment. He starts with opening the bandage that covers my wounded chin.
“what’s in your mind when you decide to fight those gangster?” Dr. Eddy asks me.
“they bothered Joo, I must tell them to stop. Joo is my precious friend I don’t want anything bad happened to her.”
“And it’s okay if anything bad happened to you?”
“Well, until now I’m still fine.”
“What kind of fine? Stand in front of a mirror and look at your chin!”
“Is it too bad?”
“Do you think it’s not?”
“Well, at least I have you as a good doctor. You can heal me, right?”
“Ah, this stubborn kid.”
His hand treats my wound very well. I regret the early sentence I said to him. I didn’t mean to underestimate him or something like that. I was just, don’t see an experienced-old-doctor on his cute face. Talking about his face, it’s now really near mine. I can once look at it and admiring. For thirty two years old doctor, he looked very young and handsome.
“Do you think she loves you as much as you love her?”
“Excuse me?”
“Do you think she will do the same thing as you when you’re in her position?”
“At first I thought she will. But now, not really.”
“Why?”
“She moved away and didn’t make any single call or even just a simple hello text to me. I miss her very much. But I don’t think she miss me as much as I do.”
“Why don’t you call her first?”
“I have too much pride. Yes, I am.”
“Don’t you curious? Her attitude is not even obvious.”
“Hmm… I don’t know.”
“Ah, it’s done.”
Dr. Eddy’s wound treatment spends only ten minutes. I don’t even realize time passing by while we have a conversation. This short enough conversation brings me to the very long mind. I fall into deep ocean of Joo’s matter.
But then I realize there’s a specialist doctor in front of me that have to be paid for his impressive wound treatment.
“Thanks doc. How much the cost?” I said.
“A cup of choco ice cream.” He replied with a smile in the end.


..... to be continued


Rabu, 21 Mei 2014

physics that once I loved

Long time ago, physic can always be a great place to run from any uncertainty. But now, as I grow older, everything’s changing. I fell in to a deep lake of sorrow. I’m busy telling anyone what’s uncertain and force them to make it clear as soon as possible. When it doesn’t seem to be clear soon, I fell in to the deeper uncertainty. I tried to take my physic book and answer the question inside as I used to do in my teenagers age. But I’m no longer a simply-minded teenager. My physic matter is no longer a classic Newtonian. It’s now quantum mechanics and this thing growing up my uncertainty even bigger as I meet the principle of Heisenberg. I give up. Close the book and then open the Calculus by Stewart. But I give up once again without knowing the reason.


At the time like this I’ll just tell myself that I’m ok. Gwaenchana J



just two weeks after I finished those writings above, everythings getting lighter. these physic things become something I loved once more.
I'd love to explain about quarks and leptons as elementary particles to my pals. it reminds me of the astronomy subject that I took when I was on the High School. I miss those moments when I'm a science student hufffftttt

Kamis, 24 April 2014

When the things get harder than before

finally the time's come where I have to give my best efforts for something doesn't really big in other's eyes. well, jealousy is something I always befriend with. the fact that the way he treats her is better than the way he treats me is ironically damaging this fragile heart.
"da aku mah apa atuh?" is the words I often say in my daily things.
it shows something like "I'm as useful as 'p' in the word of 'psychology'" yeah, the way I feel that I'm no one is really bother me. I have either courage nor confident.
but when I handle a problem in my event, someone told me that as a committee we have to got some courage to say no at something don't match with our goal and our way.
so I'm just sitting here try to find my confident.